The One With The Lesbian Paint
by esllou
Summary: Ross gets stressed out when Carol decides to paint their bathroom "Mediterranean Pepper", which Ross considers a "lesbian color". Chandler and Joey try to put his mind at rest.


[Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. The girls are having breakfast.]

**Rachel:** So...how did it go last night?

**Monica:** [looks blankly at Rachel] What's that now?

**Rachel:** Last night! Come on Monica, spill the beans. How did it go with Jason?

**Monica:** [chokes on orange juice] Oh God!!

[rushes to sink, wipes blouse]

**Monica:** Jason! Of course - Jason!

**Rachel:** Monica, honey, you know how much I love you, but you're starting to scare me.

**Monica:** I spent the whole evening calling him John. Do you think that's why he didn't want to come up?

**Rachel:** [rubbing Monica's arm] Oh no, Mon. I think he probably just didn't like you.

[Chandler and Joey burst in.]

**Chandler:** [shouts] Don't listen to Joey, don't listen to Joey. He's talking crazy.

**Joey:** [waits for Chandler to be quiet] You finished? [Addresses Rachel and Monica] So I'm thinking you might like to hear who Chandler was chatting up while we were having coffee just now. [picks up piece of bacon from plate in center of table]

**Chandler:** You see, Joey? They're not interested. Bye bye now. [moves towards door dragging Joey by the arm.]

**Rachel:** [hold Chandler by the ear] Slow down there, Speedy! Joey, you were saying...

**Chandler:** [to Monica] She's mean!

**Joey:** Well, we're in the coffee bar. I come out of the bathroom and see Chandler up at the bar quite clearly very interested in...

[flashback sequence. In Central Perk, Joey exits bathroom and approaches bar looking at something]

...somebody.

**Chandler:** [leaning over bar, acting cool and addressing back of person bending over] ...and I can see you work out. What gym do you belong to? Maybe, I could, you know, join you on the treadmill. Do a bit of [adjusts non-existent collar] physical activity.

**Gunther:** [turning around nonchalantly] Sweating brings me out in a rash.

[camera pans to Joey, mouth open]

[back to girls' apartment]

**Chandler:** I'd like to say, in my defense, that Gunther has a very sweet tush.

[phone rings. Monica moves to table to answer.]

**Monica:** Hey, hi Ross, woah slow down, OK. Bye...I guess. [stares at phone] I *think* that was my brother.

**Rachel:** What's up Mon?

**Monica:** [returning to kitchen table] I have no idea. He was yelling something about lesbian paint.

**Chandler:** [stares wistfully into middle distance] Ah, lesbian paint. From our ever-popular "Sexuality" range of hues for modern living. [Looks at Joey] Transvestite Tan was always my favorite.

**Rachel:** So is he coming over, Monica?

**Monica:** I believe the expression he used was "tell the guys I need advice on how to save my marriage."

**Chandler:** That's a smart move. No, really, because, you know, who better to ask than one guy who continually chases women, sleeps with them on a frighteningly regular basis, then never calls them back [Joey starts smirking and nods sheepishly at Rachel] and, and, er, you know, Joey?

**Monica:** [Pushes Chandler and Joey towards door] You guys get over to your place. He sounded pretty upset.

**Joey:** [leaves trailing arm inside door as Monica pushes them out] I haven't finished my bacon!

***

[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. The guys are sitting up at the breakfast bar playing cards.]

**Joey:** Chandler, why do you keep putting down twos? Do I have to go over the rules again?

**Chandler:** So we aren't playing "Find the number of women you've dated in the last three years"?

[Ross enters and slams his case down on the foosball table.]

**Chandler:** Joey, you remember we spoke about that panic alarm in the bathroom?

**Ross:** Very funny.

**Joey:** What's up Ross?

**Ross:** Carol wants to paint the bathroom red.

**Chandler:** [picks up phone] Joey, you scream for a cop from the window, I'm going to ring the United Nations.

**Ross:** [slumps on couch looking dejected] What's wrong with white? [looks up to ceiling] Or even cream!

**Chandler:** [sits beside Ross] Hey, easy there soldier. [lays hand on Ross' knee] It'll be OK. Every lesbian fantasy I've ever had is usually finished by seven in the morning.

**Ross:** [stares at Chandler's hand until Chandler slides it off] You have no idea what it's like to feel so emasculated in your own home.

**Joey:** I think Chandler understands that very well, don't you Chandler?

**Chandler:** [Ignoring Joey] What makes you think red is a lesbian color, Ross?

**Ross:** [Exasperated] Er, hello? She's chosen "Mediterranean Pepper". [stares at Joey and Chandler, who stare back] Where Greece is? [Joey has blank look on face] And the Greek island of...Lesbos! [Ross holds out hands wide]

**Joey & Chandler****:** Ahhhhh...

**Joey:** Ross, listen man, this lesbian stuff is making you crazy. You know, like not a little paranoid, but off the scale [makes monster hands] "everyone's out to get me" insane. If Carol was sleeping with this Susan, you'd see more obvious signs. Listen, take it from someone who knows all about not being in any way sexually attractive to women – go on Chandler, you tell him.

**Chandler:** Come on big guy, you think she'd really mess around behind your back?

**Ross:** Listen, on the night of our honeymoon, Carol swore to me she'd never sleep with another guy. [pauses] You know, I think I should have asked her to expand that particular vow, just a little bit. [stands up] I don't know what I can do. I can't put my foot down and be the man of the house. She's got that role pretty well covered I think. [walks towards door] I need to go and speak to her.

**Chandler:** [shouts after Ross as he exits] Ask her if she's got any Transvestite Tan!

[Ross stares back, looks confused, and leaves]

***

[Scene: Carol and Ross' apartment. Carol exits bathroom.]

**Carol:** Yeah, OK, that's great. [sees Ross] Hey, you won't recognize that bathroom when Phoebe has finished.

**Ross:** [does a double take] Phoebe? [pushes past Carol into bathroom] Phoebe! What are you doing here?

**Phoebe:** [face covered with paint] Oh, hi, Ross! Isn't this color just fantastic!?

**Ross:** [checks that Carol can't hear, whispers loudly] Phoebe...

**Phoebe:** Oh, Ross, I know what you're thinking. "What a girly color!" But you know what... [looks around bathroom] I think it's quite masculine actually.

[Ross bangs head against door edge, exasperated.]


End file.
